A summer of change

I turn 30 in September. I'm getting married in August. I'll be doing my first full year of teaching high school history. There are just a lot of major things that are going to be happening. I just got an email where my Godsister is having a baby. My tomboy godsister is having a baby! Michelle was one of my closest friends growing up. She is a witness to mi vida loca. She's very proud that I am as relatively normal as I am. LOL!

Turning 30 isn't such a big thing for me. It's just I don't feel like thirty. I used to think that 30 was so old. But I still feel young. But nowadays I rarely get carded and people are generally more respectful towards me in business situations. I still feel so stupid a lot though. Still trying to figure this life thing out. I mean how is this present incarnation of me going to play out. Joke: How do you make God laugh? Answer: Tell him your plans. Life is incredibly fragile. Allison's friend got married and a year later passed away from cancer.

Bill Moyers asked Joseph Campbell "what is the meaning of life?" Joseph Campbell answered, "No, what is the experience of living?" Is it about fleeting zen moments? To be able to look back at my wedding. It was the Hollywood/J-Lo/Richard Gere version of my favorite Japanese movie, Shall we Dance?, but Susan Sarandon was written a great line where she said a marriage was being a witness to each other's lives. To be a witness is an interesting concept. My OCD has fixated on this idea.

A lot of people and friends have gone through my life. I would be tight with someone and then just fall away. To be married is to be intertwined as witnesses to each other. To share in each other's pain and joy. Life the tai chi, a balance of yin and yang with a part of each in each other.

There is this old lady that lives in my complex. Her back is hunched over and I see her walking late at night. Life has forced her into a stoop where she must stare at the ground. I wonder about her youth. Wasn't she once young and vital. Skipping, laughing , dancing around. Now she is old and in the twilight of this incarnation.

My biggest fear of marriage is the commitment. But it's not so much the responsiblity of it. It's the fear of loving someone so much and then not having them in your life anymore. Allison is the family that I will choose. Not the family I was born to. She is already the most important person in my life. I trust her and I know that she's always got my back. It would break my heart to lose her. I've experienced heartbreak before and it wasn't a pleasant experience. Nothing that I want to repeat. I'm blessed that we found each other.