late night thoughts

I was looking through old pictures today. Busting out the photo album for a picture show during the wedding. Looking through all the old pictures I realized that I didn't have any pictures from my teenage years. I have pictures from when I was a baby to about 10 or 11 years old. Then I don't have pictures until I was about 18. From when I was about 10-18 my parents were so busy fighting that no one wanted to take pictures of each other.

I also looked at some pictures of me with my dad or brother. In those pictures, we are playing around and goofing around for the camera. It made me incredibly sad looking at those pictures. I don't talk to my brother or my dad anymore and to look back at these pictures was incredibly hard. Looking back at a time when we were all younger and I was far more innocent. It's weird looking at these pictures of my brother when he was a baby. A time when my brother was young and gentle and a child. My mom wanted to get rid of all the pictures of when she was with my dad so she gave the old photo albums to me.

My family is crazy. I can count at least 7 people in my immediate and extended family that are totally nuts. I'm talking sociopathy, megalomania, and all that stuff. Everyone is capable of functioning in day to day life but they are just twisted. I have a lot of strong personalities in my family. Personalities that take up space and that you know are there in the room with you. Then these personalities all got together in my family and clashed with each other. Competing egos battling.

People often argue over whether things are nature or nurture. I am of the belief that you are born with a nature that has certain tendencies. Then the environment nurtures or squashes some of those tendencies. My natural tendencies are different from those of my brother and my father. However, I was nurtured by their ways and for much of my life I tried to be a person that I wasn't. I was a raging asshole is what I was. It was only till I truly looked at my life that I was able to change. It was only till I realized that I couldn't be nor did I want to be like my brother or my father that things started to change.

My family life was pretty terrible, but now I am going to be starting a new family with Allison. This is a strange thing for me. Allison's family gets along. I went to Jersey with her and her family hangs out and talks to each other. When I was growing up, when all my family was in one room I was trying to figure out how I could leave that room. Now I'm going to try and start my own family and not repeat the mistakes that my dad made. I don't want a family where there is constant yelling and fighting. I don't want a family where no one can stand to be around each other for very long.

Most of my major anxiety surrounding the wedding has been about my family. I'm not inviting my brother or my father to the wedding. I don't know if I'll ever talk to them again, but I finally decided to not invite them. Deciding this was an incredible relief, but caused a great sadness at the same time. My wedding is supposed to be a really happy day and it's unfortunate that I can't share it with my brother and my father. While they are fucking nuts I still do love them. My therapist told me that I have to mourn them. It's totally fucked up to have to mourn people that are still alive.