Allison's back

Allison came back from Sacramento today. She bought me a pair of Maui Jim sunglasses. The Kilohana version. They are an incredibly great pair of sunglasses. They make the world a more vibrant place. But she wanted to get me something cause everything in the wedding was around her. She got the cake and the ring and the dress and the wedding. So she went out and bought me a pair of incredible sunglasses. I am so happy right now. The lens color increse contrast and colors seem more vibrant. Reds are more reds. greens more green. It's pretty fucking cool. I'm getting married and turning 30. Life is serious. I'm supposed to be entering into a new stage in life. I still feel stupid though. I'm less unhappy... and I feel more like I am in control of my life. I am creating the milieu that I want.

I went out tonight and hung out with the old staff from the afterschool program. It was good to see old friends. I jumped on a trampoline. They had a trampoline at my friend Tracy's house. It was fun. I was doing backflips and stuff. Those things are ridiculously fun when you are drunk and just jumping.

Allison said I looked like I was autistic cause I was walking around with her today and looking through my sunglasses and then looking down to see the normal world. So I was just walking around dipping my head down all the time. But I was just tripping cause the world seemed so different through my lenses. Shit it's 1:50Am and I'm wearing them now cause they are just that cool. They don't make things darker like a grey lense, they just make things more sharp.

I am not where I thought I would be at 30 ten years ago. But that's not a bad thing. I am the happiest now than I've ever been. My life has taken so many different paths. I used to be far more angry and far more conservative. Something about not being able to trust your immediate family doesn't make you trust people in general. Like Cain and Abel. If borthers can't even get along... how is the world. Nowadays I'm thinking at least if people are willing to talk and try to go in a positive direction.

10 years ago I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think it was much. I'm supposed to be an adult. It's a trip to think that a lot of the people that I went to high school with have had kids. Having kids puts you into a whole different frame. You have to be all kinds of grown up. I can't even take care of myself,. much less a child. Shit....I can't even imagine. People are asking about when are we going to have kids and I'm just trying to do this marriage thing. The pressure to procreate.

I'm just tripping cause I'm going to get married. It's so fuckin adult i don't know what to do with it. The thing is... I know I'm ready for it and I want it to happen. It's just a trip that it is. The truth is that I never thought about my life into 30. For some reason I thought I would die young or just never really looked deep into the future. Maybe it's because I never dealt fully with the past. I don't know.