My precious....

I got my wedding band. It's a titanium wedding ring with a band of gold in it. Titanium isn't some precious metal but I like it. I like it cause it's as strong as steel yet lighter. It also resists tarnishing and can withstand acid attacks. I like to think of it as a metaphor for our marriage. Our marriage will be superstrong like titanium yet light on me. I won't be burdened by the weight of the marriage. We will not tarnish our vows and will withstand the acid inflicted by life. My one worry is that natural titanium becomes very radioactive if bombarded by deuterons. I haven't come up with a marriage metaphor to match that one so I'm not that concerned.

My Kilohana glasses are also made from titanium. I think I'm going to have to get all titaniumed out. If I'm going to have metal shit around me or on my person, I want as much of it to be titanium as possible. The shit is great. Light and strong. My friend Jeremy was saying though that there are some bad environmental problems though associated with titanium mining. I've been looking it up on the internet using various google searches but haven't really found anything. If anyone should find information or could point me in that direction please leave a link. I mean is it any worse than mining for any other metals? If it is, then I will have to dramatically limit my consumption of it. But it's not like I got a lot of it as it is.

My friends Jeremy and Brian are going to fix up Allison's bike and my bike as our wedding present. We haven't been riding our bikes and they are totally fucked up with shit rusting and not working. They are bike gurus and they are going to get us set up. Allison is training for a triathalon (crazy girl) and we want to ride our bikes more. Plus I would like to get more exercise and wean myself off of the car culture. I need to drive less and take more public transportation. But where we live it's totally bike friendly. There are bike lanes and the place is flat as hell.

One of my goals in life is to try and be more aware and more conscious. It's a fucking pain in the ass though. Cause when you try to be more aware and conscious you have to look at all the stupid shit you do. There's way more responsibility and it's a mofo.

One of the things that I try to do is to leave a smaller footprint on the world. This is the daoist influence in my life. I believe the American lifestyle while ridiculously luxurious is an unhealthy lifestyle that is bad for the environment. In the Bhagavad-Gita Ch 19 text 38-39, Krishna says

That which in the beginning may be just like poison but at the end is just like nectar and
which awakens one to self-realization is said to be happiness in the mode of goodness.
That happiness which is derived from contact of the senses with their objects and which
appears like nectar at first but poison at the end is said to be in the nature of passion.

Much of American society and the world is locked into the world of passion. We constantly need to stimulate the senses. More food. More TV. More drugs. More, more more. This ravenous behavior creates a mentality where the right to consume is more important than what is the right thing to do. By lessening the things in my life I have tasted nectar. Thoreau said to simplify simplify simplify. Bruce Lee said the height of cultivation is simplicity. The KISS principle.

I've been slowly giving up meat because of religious reasons, but the environmental one is now an important one too. A 1,000lbs cow takes 10,000lbs of food to make. I can live without eating meat and it will leave a smaller footprint on the earth. I'll be using less resources. After the wedding, I'll only be eating seafood. At some point I'm going to give up the seafood. This is going to be rough. It's totally bad but I've been going on a tour de pork lately. You could say I'm pigging out on the pig. Rimshot. I'm giving it up... but I'm also going out like a star. Not exactly very holy and conscious... but hey I'm working on it. Anyways, I can't really say that I have these high minded beliefs unless I actually do something in line with it. There needs to be praxis or I'm just talking shit.

I also try to be more careful about what I buy and where I buy it. I don't like huge concentrations of economic power in mega corporations. They most likely didn't get to be ultra powerful by being nice to workers and other people. Someone got shat on. I'm reading this book "Disposable People" by Kevin Bales and it's all about modern day slavery in the global economy. It's a fascinating book and I highly recommend it to everyone, but I want to live a life that is against slavery. I mean I realize that slavery plays some role directly or indirectly in many people's lives (myself included), but I want to have as little to do with supporting slavery as possible. I want to be anti-slavery. Part of the reason slavery exists is because there is money to be made from it. If someone has a desire, then there will be someone that will try to fill it and slaves are the way to get the most profit out of something.

So this means not supporting Starbucks (only cafe where I live that has air-conditioning which is great on a hot day), the Gap, Banana Republic (and I really the style of their clothing), Old Navy, Nike (I grew up with the swoosh), Walmart (so damn cheap and I'm so not rich), Wells Fargo (I'm moving my accounts to Washington Mutual because of Wells' bad environmental lending policies and WAMU has free checking, but Wells was the bank account I signed up for as a teen because I liked the stagecoach), Microsoft (This one is hard cause MS is everywhere but I'm trying to go open source), Corporate chocolate manufacturers (So sweet, so good, so chocolatey), and other shit. As an American, my personal consumption choices have global consequences. The American consumer market is like no other. The disposable income of Americans make us an incredibly attractive market to sell to. Shit, Women swallow condoms full of coke to get white lines to Americans.

Allison's back

Allison came back from Sacramento today. She bought me a pair of Maui Jim sunglasses. The Kilohana version. They are an incredibly great pair of sunglasses. They make the world a more vibrant place. But she wanted to get me something cause everything in the wedding was around her. She got the cake and the ring and the dress and the wedding. So she went out and bought me a pair of incredible sunglasses. I am so happy right now. The lens color increse contrast and colors seem more vibrant. Reds are more reds. greens more green. It's pretty fucking cool. I'm getting married and turning 30. Life is serious. I'm supposed to be entering into a new stage in life. I still feel stupid though. I'm less unhappy... and I feel more like I am in control of my life. I am creating the milieu that I want.

I went out tonight and hung out with the old staff from the afterschool program. It was good to see old friends. I jumped on a trampoline. They had a trampoline at my friend Tracy's house. It was fun. I was doing backflips and stuff. Those things are ridiculously fun when you are drunk and just jumping.

Allison said I looked like I was autistic cause I was walking around with her today and looking through my sunglasses and then looking down to see the normal world. So I was just walking around dipping my head down all the time. But I was just tripping cause the world seemed so different through my lenses. Shit it's 1:50Am and I'm wearing them now cause they are just that cool. They don't make things darker like a grey lense, they just make things more sharp.

I am not where I thought I would be at 30 ten years ago. But that's not a bad thing. I am the happiest now than I've ever been. My life has taken so many different paths. I used to be far more angry and far more conservative. Something about not being able to trust your immediate family doesn't make you trust people in general. Like Cain and Abel. If borthers can't even get along... how is the world. Nowadays I'm thinking at least if people are willing to talk and try to go in a positive direction.

10 years ago I don't know what I was thinking. I don't think it was much. I'm supposed to be an adult. It's a trip to think that a lot of the people that I went to high school with have had kids. Having kids puts you into a whole different frame. You have to be all kinds of grown up. I can't even take care of myself,. much less a child. Shit....I can't even imagine. People are asking about when are we going to have kids and I'm just trying to do this marriage thing. The pressure to procreate.

I'm just tripping cause I'm going to get married. It's so fuckin adult i don't know what to do with it. The thing is... I know I'm ready for it and I want it to happen. It's just a trip that it is. The truth is that I never thought about my life into 30. For some reason I thought I would die young or just never really looked deep into the future. Maybe it's because I never dealt fully with the past. I don't know.

Note the White Jesus

disturbing news

I was on a walk with a friend of mine who has a friend that works in the white house and is in close contact with the president. This person said that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney run the white house and that everyone is solidly behind Karl Rove and that he isn't going anywhere. Bush's statements about firing people are merely a diversion but nothing is going to change.

Hey look everyone there's a supreme court justice nominee... focus on that!

A summer of change

I turn 30 in September. I'm getting married in August. I'll be doing my first full year of teaching high school history. There are just a lot of major things that are going to be happening. I just got an email where my Godsister is having a baby. My tomboy godsister is having a baby! Michelle was one of my closest friends growing up. She is a witness to mi vida loca. She's very proud that I am as relatively normal as I am. LOL!

Turning 30 isn't such a big thing for me. It's just I don't feel like thirty. I used to think that 30 was so old. But I still feel young. But nowadays I rarely get carded and people are generally more respectful towards me in business situations. I still feel so stupid a lot though. Still trying to figure this life thing out. I mean how is this present incarnation of me going to play out. Joke: How do you make God laugh? Answer: Tell him your plans. Life is incredibly fragile. Allison's friend got married and a year later passed away from cancer.

Bill Moyers asked Joseph Campbell "what is the meaning of life?" Joseph Campbell answered, "No, what is the experience of living?" Is it about fleeting zen moments? To be able to look back at my wedding. It was the Hollywood/J-Lo/Richard Gere version of my favorite Japanese movie, Shall we Dance?, but Susan Sarandon was written a great line where she said a marriage was being a witness to each other's lives. To be a witness is an interesting concept. My OCD has fixated on this idea.

A lot of people and friends have gone through my life. I would be tight with someone and then just fall away. To be married is to be intertwined as witnesses to each other. To share in each other's pain and joy. Life the tai chi, a balance of yin and yang with a part of each in each other.

There is this old lady that lives in my complex. Her back is hunched over and I see her walking late at night. Life has forced her into a stoop where she must stare at the ground. I wonder about her youth. Wasn't she once young and vital. Skipping, laughing , dancing around. Now she is old and in the twilight of this incarnation.

My biggest fear of marriage is the commitment. But it's not so much the responsiblity of it. It's the fear of loving someone so much and then not having them in your life anymore. Allison is the family that I will choose. Not the family I was born to. She is already the most important person in my life. I trust her and I know that she's always got my back. It would break my heart to lose her. I've experienced heartbreak before and it wasn't a pleasant experience. Nothing that I want to repeat. I'm blessed that we found each other.

I cut my credit card about a week ago. I can't have a credit card. The temptation is too much for me. My credit sucks. I wasn't socialized with very good fiscal habits. Now I am trying to teach myself better fiscal habits. It's funny though cause my bad fiscal habits make me feel stupid. Like why can't I manage my money better. I was never taught how to manage money or shown good examples of money management. My dad was a feast or famine guy. When times were materially good they were really good and his temper reflected it. When times were bad...it's part of why I was in therapy. Anyways, I got all kinds of debt that I am in. If there was a debtor's prison in America like back in the day, I would be in that prison. I owe a whole lotta. Various companies are charging me interest on shit. Then there' s the old student loans. Is much of my life going to be paying back debt? Good thing I like what I do. Too bad it doesn't fucking pay better.

I got back from Jersey tonight. What a gluttonous vacation. I just ate and ate and ate. We got in early morning on Saturday and immediately went to sleep. Then we got up and got ready for the party. I met Allison's uncle Bernard and wife Doris. He was a professor of plant science and he took down my information for a family tree that he has been working on. It's official. I'm in the family tree now. I will be a mark in time for some future generation to wonder about. What was that person all about or what was their lives like. Or perhaps not even a thought.

The weather was weird. There were some thunderstorms that went on and off. It was funny cause a whole bunch of people arrived right when it was raining the hardest. It wasn't raining and then it rained for a good 10 minutes and people were trying to come in when it was raining super hard. Funny timing. But things cleared up and people hung out and ate a lot of food. The menu really did happen. It really went down like that. Allison's dad was half-joking that he had a pound of meat for every person. I was really happy cause my cousin Margaret was able to make it to the party. It's always good to see her. She's my cool little cousin. Always good to know there is someone out there that doesn't think the crazy is normal.

I saw my first firefly in Jersey. I've never seen a firefly before and I had fun watching my little niece-in-law-to-be chasing and catching them. There is something magical to them. My niece though is a cute little girl and so is.

I'm getting married.

I've met the extended family and am in the family tree now. It's a trip. People seem to be really excited about the wedding. It's shaping up to be a fun event. With all the people expecting to have a good time that will help make it a good time. People are coming to have a party. Then Allison and I will go stay in a yurt in Big Sur for our honeymoon. This is the nicest yurt in the world and I think it's hilarious that we're staying in one.

late night thoughts

I was looking through old pictures today. Busting out the photo album for a picture show during the wedding. Looking through all the old pictures I realized that I didn't have any pictures from my teenage years. I have pictures from when I was a baby to about 10 or 11 years old. Then I don't have pictures until I was about 18. From when I was about 10-18 my parents were so busy fighting that no one wanted to take pictures of each other.

I also looked at some pictures of me with my dad or brother. In those pictures, we are playing around and goofing around for the camera. It made me incredibly sad looking at those pictures. I don't talk to my brother or my dad anymore and to look back at these pictures was incredibly hard. Looking back at a time when we were all younger and I was far more innocent. It's weird looking at these pictures of my brother when he was a baby. A time when my brother was young and gentle and a child. My mom wanted to get rid of all the pictures of when she was with my dad so she gave the old photo albums to me.

My family is crazy. I can count at least 7 people in my immediate and extended family that are totally nuts. I'm talking sociopathy, megalomania, and all that stuff. Everyone is capable of functioning in day to day life but they are just twisted. I have a lot of strong personalities in my family. Personalities that take up space and that you know are there in the room with you. Then these personalities all got together in my family and clashed with each other. Competing egos battling.

People often argue over whether things are nature or nurture. I am of the belief that you are born with a nature that has certain tendencies. Then the environment nurtures or squashes some of those tendencies. My natural tendencies are different from those of my brother and my father. However, I was nurtured by their ways and for much of my life I tried to be a person that I wasn't. I was a raging asshole is what I was. It was only till I truly looked at my life that I was able to change. It was only till I realized that I couldn't be nor did I want to be like my brother or my father that things started to change.

My family life was pretty terrible, but now I am going to be starting a new family with Allison. This is a strange thing for me. Allison's family gets along. I went to Jersey with her and her family hangs out and talks to each other. When I was growing up, when all my family was in one room I was trying to figure out how I could leave that room. Now I'm going to try and start my own family and not repeat the mistakes that my dad made. I don't want a family where there is constant yelling and fighting. I don't want a family where no one can stand to be around each other for very long.

Most of my major anxiety surrounding the wedding has been about my family. I'm not inviting my brother or my father to the wedding. I don't know if I'll ever talk to them again, but I finally decided to not invite them. Deciding this was an incredible relief, but caused a great sadness at the same time. My wedding is supposed to be a really happy day and it's unfortunate that I can't share it with my brother and my father. While they are fucking nuts I still do love them. My therapist told me that I have to mourn them. It's totally fucked up to have to mourn people that are still alive.

Happy Bunnies!!!

The menu

So Allison's Dad is this great cook and stuff. When he heard that I was going to Jersey for the east coast extended family pre wedding bash he made up a menu of food that we are going to eat. I know that I just said that I need to lose some weight, but I think that is going to have to be put on hold. I'll continue to work out now but then I'll break for the time that I'm there. Shit when he was in the bay area just a few months ago I know I had to have gained 3 or 4 lbs. It's bad...but so good. I'm really happy too cause my good friend Stacy is going to come out from Brooklyn to come and hang out. She is the one that got me into international relations and she's one of my best buds. We commiserate together about the craziness of chinese families and stuff. I've known her since high school and she's one of my oldest friends.

I've been getting wedding replies from people finding out who's coming and who can't. I'm bummed cause some people that I wanted to come can't come. Bobbin you suck! Shannon you suck too! It's going to be a fun time though. Little more than 5 weeks till the big day. This has been a crazy countdown that is a long time coming. When I was younger I never thought that I would get married and now here I am. Such a huge change...freaky.

Stuff

My mom got out of the hospital on Friday. She was in because of high blood pressure. It was 180. The highest it had ever been before that was 140. When asked what was the cause of this the nurses said that she has a lot of anger inside of her. That sounds about right. A culmination of all the crap earlier in her life. Plus my brother is in town and that always stresses her out. She's had a lot of stress and pain in her life and she needs to address those issues if she is ever going to get better. It sucks for me cause I don't want to see my mom in the hospital.

So my mom came up to see me and Allison and we went to get Allison's chi-pao (Chinese dress) for the wedding. She has a white wedding dress and a chi pao. It is typical for the bride to change outfits a bunch of times in Chinese weddings. Allison's only going to change once though. The dress looks great and she looks hot in it. Its been custom tailored for her and the tailor has got skills. I would say she has kung-fu (skill that transcends physical beauty). Then we went to the area that we are going to have the wedding and showed it again to my mom. Our idea of what we want seems to clash with my moms and she has been throwing out "suggestions" on what we should do. This always puts Allison into a bind cause she wants to make my mom happy but we also want to have our wedding. I always tell Allison not to worry and that we are doing are thing.
My mom also brought a big ass jade ring bedecked with diamonds. She also gave Allison these jade pineapple earrings. These were gifts from my mom, my auntie Judy, and my grandma. They wanted Allison to have a gift that had no relation to the Chen Family. I don't often agree with my Auntie Judy but this I agreed with her. Here's the thing though. I don't like diamonds. The engagement ring that I got with Allison is a sapphire. I don't like the diamond industry, DeBeers, and everything that goes along with it (i.e. Sierra Leone). Not that all diamonds are from Sierra Leone but the industry that feeds and allows something like that. My mom has been giving Allison diamonds and a bunch of jewelry. My moms loves jewelry and throughout my life has had some beautiful pieces. If I had been born a girl I am sure that I would have all kinds of the bling bling. But Allison's not that into jewelry and I'm not either and I don't want my mom corrupting her mind. I don't want Allison all into jewelry, not that I think that she will be. I just don't like my mom undermining me. And I know that she knows how I feel about things. She obsesses about everything, I know that she remembers this. It's like when she orders chicken at dinner and then pretends to forget that I don't eat chicken. Ahhhh Chinese mothers. When I tell her not to buy Allison jewelry she gets mad at me. She says that I shouldn't try to impose my ideals on her. Girls love jewelry and I shouldn't try to mess with that. There's a lot of political maneuvering in my family. This is actually is what helped get me interested and understand politics. Watching and absorbing the maneuvering people do against each other. Each to draw a certain reaction.

I also talked to my good buddy Mike this weekend. Mike knows more about history than anybody I know. I love talking with him. We geek out about the same stuff. He got an Arno Peters atlas and showed it to me. If you are familiar with the Arno Peters Map projection then you will know what I am talking about. It's a less imperialistic way to look at the world. I have to get one. Mike also introduced me to the evils of online computer gaming. Not poker or gambling. More geeky. Online Star Wars and shit like that. For that one Allison will never forgive him.

This weekend Allison and I also got a ticket for me to go to Jersey with her. I'm going to do the East Coast family and friends meet and greet. Her dad as always is going to cook it up for me. The guy is a great cook and loves to cook it up for me. I always gain 5 lbs or so after visiting Jersey. The guy woke up at 5:00AM to make black bean spareribs for me. It's awesome. But now I'm trying to lose weight.

I have an embarrassing story to tell. I broke a button on my pants. I was sitting down and I coughed and bam the button on my pants broke. I was like...ok I need to lose some serious weight. I've kinda gotten into a sedentary fat and happy lifestyle that isn't healthy for me. I used to be very fit and healthy but then I fell into a depression and my body weight went up. I ate a lot and didn't do the things that make me more fit. Now I'm more or less out of my funk but my body stayed the same... Shit! Now I don't have the motivation to exercise that I once did. When I was younger it was get into shape and look good. Helps with the game. Now I'm getting married I got that "I can let it all hang" mentality. Not so good.

Chilling

I've been waking up around noon. It's been luxurious. Considering I was getting on average 5 hours of sleep when school was in session, I got a lot of catchup. My body and mind needs the time to heal. I have to channel the inner homer simpson.

I installed linux on a computer that I got from the school. I'm pretty excited to move toward linux and open source software. I love the philosophy surrounding it, especially the free part. Next I'm going to be installing an administration software system on the computer and see if I can get that working.

This summer is going to be a summer of change for me. I'm going to be closing the family business, which will be a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm going to get married. It's really trippy to be making this huge life change. I mean now soon I'll have to check the married box on various forms and applications. We become intertwined. Our two lives come together to form one marriage. I understand now why various cultural traditions use ropes in their marriage ceremony. Two are bound together.

Another on my to do list is to read more books and find more stuff that is accessible to students, especially students with low skills. There is a skill level problem that I wasn't prepared for when I started. It was stunning to me to find out that elementary school kids in the rich area of the neighboring district had stronger writing skills than many of the high schools that I am working with. This upcoming year is going to be a real challenge. Having my own CTM is going to be a whole different story. I'm going to be trying to keep track of around 20 or so kids, doing all the office minutiae associated with it. My co-worker Bobby said he was willing to split the CTM with me. If I get this computer system in that will make his work a lot faster he might have more time to take care of other shit. The work doesn't end you just get to other stuff faster.

The other thing I want to do is dance more and see more shows at stern grove. Allison and I have to get ready for the dancefest that will be our wedding. Well at least we hope it's a dancefest. It would really make me happy if people that don't normally dance would get out an dance and have a good time. We want to create an environment where everyone feels comfortable to get out and dance.