Finding alternatives for kids

My favorite student at school isn't a rocket scientist. She's got a thick ass IEP (individualized education program) and she feels defeated. She doesn't have the credits to be in the grade she's supposed to be. She also has a crazy family life and social environment. One time she got jumped because some girl was trying to get into a gang and the gang told the girl that she had to beat up my student to get in the gang. In short, the girl needs some protection. I talk to her about finding a safe place for herself, but that in itself means nothing. I wanted to find an alternative for her. Someplace that she could be safe and learn how to protect herself.

The first martial art that I ever learned was judo. Learning how to fall was one of the best things I ever learned to do. I figured my girl needed to learn some martial arts. I used to train at this really cool ju-jitsu dojo and I'm still good friends with the instructors there. I decided to take her to the dojo and if she was interested, then I would pay for her classes. My friends at the dojo are totally cool and they have a sliding scale payment plan so I knew that if she got into it classes wouldn't break my meager pocketbook.

The first time that we went she just watched. Her dad made her come with her little sister because he didn't trust her. Understandable. The girl isn't a saint, but then neither is her father. Her little sister got really excited and was into the ju-jitsu too. The second time we went I made her get out on the mat. You don't learn ju-jitsu by watching... unless you are really good. After training, she was really into it. She said that she wanted to train 3 days a week. The next day, she told me that she was showing her family everything she learned and they were practicing with her. Fucking family bonding with the dysfunctional family! I love it!

I'm hoping that getting into ju-jitsu will get her into something other than the crazy life that she is into right now. I'm hoping that ju-jitsu will teach her physical self-defense as well as mental and emotional self-defense. I don't know if she'll graduate (she's almost 17 with barely sophomore credits), but I'll try and help her however I can.

Taking a step back

Things were getting real intense. My students were getting frustrated and I was as well. I started to feel like I didn't have control. Ironically, of course I don't have control. Isn't that what I tell myself all the time? I cannot control what happens but only my reaction to it. I must do what I do, but beyond that things are totally out of my control. And of course I don't listen to my own advice. It was only when my boss told me to take a step back. She said that I was too much of a perfectionist. I take that coded as obsessive compulsive. She's right though.

The thing is that I want my students so badly to do well, that I get overly invested. Not healthy. It is very important for my sanity to draw a line. To be able to say enough is enough. Teaching has a high turnover rate and a high burnout rate. The intensity of the situation can be overwhelming. To always have to be on. To judge your success on your students' success. Not being able to plan for stuff that you have no idea is coming. To constantly feel judged. Then to have a punk ass kid spit at your efforts. That coupled with the low pay... Teachers all hanging out is one big bitch session. Teachers talk so much crap about kids. We gotta. We gotta let off a lot of steam.

Part of taking a step back means focusing more on myself and my life. I must not get into defining my life via my job. I have never wanted that. I gotta focus more on my family.

Married life rocks! I am far better at taking care of AL and me as a family than I am in just taking care of myself. I'm a better team player than just being an individual. Albert Einstein got me all jazzed about finance with his quote, "the most powerful force in the universe is compound interest." I had to sit and think about that one for a while. Then I started going OCD on the finance shit. Read Suze Orman's "The Nine Steps to Financial Freedom" and "The Road to Wealth". I've been reading "The Motley Fool" alot. I'm trying to get all these things in place to take care of my now and future family. Compound interest is going to help take care of us in the future.

But of course I can't use the capitalist system and just kowtow to its amoral structure completely. I gotta go with socially responsible investing. Can my compound interest be as least exploitative as possible, please? Sadly, the Motley fool has an article called "The myth of Socially Responsible Investing." I found the article to be an argument for laissez-faire capitalism. He uses the idea of all or nothing "morality" and chooses nothing. He says

Suppose you want to invest in the chemical industry. What are you going to do, invest in the firm that pollutes the environment the least? If it pollutes at all, why invest at all?

My answer would be... yeah I'm going to be more down with the company that pollutes the least. The world is by no means perfect. But I believe in always trying to do a little bit better. We can have a goal in mind but never reach that goal. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't have a goal. I think that financially rewarding and investing in a company that is more environmentally conscious is a good thing.

If we can't be perfect then we shouldn't try to be better at all??? I wonder if the author has children or works with children? That's not the type of message we want to hand down to the generations.

End of the second quarter

This Friday is the last day of the second quarter. I'm proud to say that my entire advisory group's cumulative GPA either stayed the same or went up. However, I know that isn't going to be the case this quarter sadly. I don't know what it is but I've noticed that students really lag this quarter. I don't know what it is. Their grades drop. Maybe it's the weather I don't know. Perhaps in the first quarter students do better because they are excited for school and eager to do well. Then in the second quarter they lose momentum. Finally in the spring quarter they want to do well because they saw that not doing well in the winter quarter really fucked them up.

So, I finally got my teaching credential! YEA for me! They send in the mail a green piece of paper that had totally been printed out on the computer. $30,000 and I get a computer printout. But that's how it goes. It's just another hoop that they make teachers jump through and make it harder and less desirable for people to enter the profession.

I need to lose 10 pounds. I'm right now the fattest I've ever been. It's fuckin hilarious. One time I was sitting around and coughed. Then my pants button went flying off and I heard it bounce off of something. It's bad. So to get into shape AL and I are taking dance classes. We're going to dance in the Carnaval parade with my old Capoeira and Samba school. We're also taking Cuban Salsa classes. I went out dancing with my friend for his wife's birthday. But when we got to a club all I could do was watch. I was pissed. I hate standing around watching. I decided then and there that we had to take group and private classes. Now that I'm older I gotta learn to partner dance. Enough of this dancing by myself shit.

It's been a long time

So I haven't posted in a long while. It's not that I'm some amazing teacher now and I don't need the reflection. Far from it... I don't know. You just get away from the things that you love sometimes. Take for instance today, AL and I went down to take Samba classes to dance in the Carnaval parade. We're taking it from my old Capoeira teacher. The man has been a mentor and friend to me for a long time. But life just got busy and I haven't seen him and his family in a long time. Then I went down to hang out and dance and it was great. His two daughters are like my little sisters and it was great to see them. It just felt like I was coming back home.

So I'm going to try and get back to blogging and dancing and doing the things that I like.

So Kenneth Eng...

What a weirdo. First off, I'm wary of supremacists of all varieties. What was AsiaWeekly thinking? Irregardless, I would happy if there was a debate that sprung from this. If people started to talk about racial hostilities between black and asians and the history behind it, I would be happy. Sadly, I don't think that will happen. America doesn't know how to even begin to have a dialogue. This country is about talking heads and talking points. No one is trying to hear the other side. It totally bums me out when the country decides to focus on the ridiculous hate filled rants of some supremacist idiot.

First day back

When school starts you don't just ease back into things. You just jump headfirst into it. As I walked up the stairs all I could think was... "fuck! Fuck! Shit!" I wanted another week of vacation. But then you gotta pay the bills. I started off with my CTM and I had them write up a list of 3 academic goals and 2 personal goals.

I really want to work on taking better care of my CTM. Last year I was so overwhelmed with all the things going on in school and my personal life that I didn't get to give my CTM the attention that I wanted to. I will say though that I had 2/3 of my students trend upwards in their cumulative GPA. I got 2 new CTM and will probably get 4 more to take me to 20. There are still some kids enrolling and there was an orientation today so there will be more kids enrolling after interviews are done.

In my classes, I had students make bumper stickers with their names and 4 answers to personal questions in the 4 corners. Then we shared what was on their bumper sticker. This was just an easy way to build community and for students to share things about themselves. My 3rd period Asian American studies class only has 4 people in it right now. That rocks!!! Of course the number will change and it will get bigger but not substantially bigger. This will be cool cause I will get to give more one on one attention and we will get to go on more field trips and stuff. I wanna take them to the Asian art museum, Japantown, and out to lunch at an Asian restaurant.

Here's to hoping the school year and my teaching will be better than last year.

Batteries Recharged

Well... school's starting back up again. The end of last school year was a whirlwind and I just was crazy busy with work. I lost that blogging feeling... Whoa oh that blogging feeling. The last place I wanted to sit was in front of a computer. Unless it was for Civilization IV or something mindlessly fun like that.

I had the honor of graduating 3 seniors. Sure I wasn't with them from 9th grade, but having gone through the trials and tribulations of the school year I was happy to share in their success. Graduation is what it's all about. I'm aware that America doesn't expect or particularly care if these kids graduate or not. But it sure as hell meant a ton to the parents, family, and friends in that room.

The ceremony was fucking hilarious. Our principal forgot a bunch of the diplomas so she asked the kids to hand back the diplomas so they could be recycled. What really I liked about it was that it just had such a familial atmosphere to the whole thing. I mean it was a ceremony but it wasn't all stiff and rigid. It was a colored folks party.

Over the summer, I taught summer school basic math. It was astonishing to me the math illiteracy. Kids couldn't round to the nearest hundred. Kids couldn't write out 534,938 in word form. There was almost a revolt when it came to fractions. But I had a ball. One of my favorite students learned how to do division. She had been going to tutors, therapists, and doctors and she couldn't do it. But we worked together and she learned how to divide. To be an instrument in a kid's learning is a wonderful thing. It makes me high. It makes me want to skip around the room. I had so much fun teaching basic math. There is an instant gratification thing to it. With history it's like ok they kinda sorta get imperialism... but with math you got the right answer or you don't. Anyways, I had so much fun that I'm going to teach basic math during the school year.

Here's some fucked up shit that happened during the summer to a student. 2 of his friends got shot on separate occasions. That made a grand total of 4 friends lost to violence and 1 friend lost to a car accident within the last year and a half. The violence is spiraling out of control here. The problems and inequities in American society are playing out among the most vulnerable first. Then at some point it will affect the middle and upper class and people will wonder how did it come about.

For my break, AL and I remodeled our place and watched all 5 seasons of Six Feet Under. That show is the best show I've ever seen on tv. 60 or so hours of tv. That was my big accomplishment for my summer break! I got low standards. Claire was my favorite character then Keith. Anyways, that show changed the way I think about death. After watching it, AL and I are talking wills and trusts and stuff. Give me 3 months then pull the plug. I think a trimester is a good amount of time. I also want to be cremated. Spread my ashes in the pacific ocean or something. And I'd like people to have a party for my life not a mourning of my death. We are all going to die. It's just a matter of when. What matters is how we live in this life. We gotta live our whole lives with ourself. Isn't that so fucking profound? I know, I'm the frickin Buddha.

So I had a ethical dilemma during the whole remodeling process. I got my floor from this cool store called Ecohome Improvement. They specialize in environmentally conscious home improvement products. Cork reduces noise problems and is sustainably harvested. Their woods are FSC certified. I like the philosophy of the store and it is in line with my philosophy. They are the shit. But their shit is expensive. Nice as hell... but expensive. White people prices.

The kitchen cabinetry and granite I got from this Chinese store. The cost of the cabinetry and granite was less than half the price of buying it at Home Depot. I was getting
the Chinese prices. So here was the problem. I love being Chinese. I love the history and culture of China. But I know my people. I have a pretty good idea that at the prices that they were selling it for it probably wasn't sustainably harvested. It wasn't from an FSC certified forest. But the cost... and the look. The labor was also done by a Chinese friend of the family. He gave me a ridiculously low price on the labor cost. Chinese prices. Gotta support my people and the low prices don't make it less attractive.

So ultimately I went ahead and got the Chinese stuff and told myself that when I get a house I'll get all the ecostuff. But for right now, cheaper is for the most part better. All in all, it was a great summer though I wish it was longer. I know I'll do a lot better job this school year. I'll be less overwhelmed due to familiarity. I can only get better.

WTF!!!

So I was talking to my World Cultures 2 class about the interwar period. I was going to show them some surrealist art and talk some about existentialist philosophy, jazz, and that kine shit. My anticipatory set was to talk about the disillusionment that people felt having to dealing with all that violence, then using that as the segue to the artistic and philosophical responses that it generated. Knowing the violence that many of my students are confronted with in the "outside" world, I asked them to raise their hand if they had lost someone as a result of violence. MOTHERFUCKING more than half the class raised their hands. I was fucking blown away. The reality of it didn't even really sink in until this weekend. The shit is just straight wrong. I walked by the TV at the gym and there was another deadly shooting in the gym this weekend. My friend informs me that this summer is expected to be particularly bloody as many gang members get released from jail for the sweeps that were done last year. It's low intensity warfare going on in the inner city streets and it's fucking up the kids that grow up in it. You know it's bad when kids just think that that is the way it is.

Bay to Breakers

The annual Bay Area run, drink, and dress up fest. My only gripe... too many naked men not enough naked women. The fascists tried to stop alcohol and nudity, but you can't break a tradition now. Ultimately, they just let it go as well they should. No one hurting anyone and no one getting hurt. I haven't drank alcohol that early in a long time.

Signing statements

This shit just came to my attention maybe about a month ago. I was watching Amy Goodman and she brought it up. Signing statements. Motherfucking signing statements. Little disclaimers on the bills that Bush signs. Little fingers crossed. I'll do the photo op but reject the bill. Brilliant. It's so fucking shady as hell, but it's brilliant. What is the Republican Congress going to do to Bush? Nothing. There isn't a chance in hell the Republicans will ever impeach Bush for Iraq or anything else and anyone with half a brain knows it. Party unity and allegiance is triumphing over separation of powers. Bush is using the Constitution as toilet paper. I watched Schoolhouse Rock. The talking bill never said anything about signing statements. Democrats don't even have enough stones to censure the president. The control of Parliament by the Conservative and Labor Party excludes other voices and aggrandizes the King.

Testing and shit

Testing has been throwing everything off. The bell schedule is completely different. I get there early to prepare bagel and cream cheese donations to the students. A lot of them don't get to eat breakfast so it gets hard to concentrate during the day. The food will pick them up. They need to do well on these high stakes tests so that the school and district will get more money. More than half of my students get free or reduced lunches. I'm working with this cool chick Nora to try and bring better food to the school. The shit they send now is fucking nasty. I won't touch the shit. I mean it's good that the kids get food at all, but I still wish it was better for them. Ideally I would like vegetarian food, but I'd take any improvement in the overall quality.

I think one of the things that bothers me the most about the US is that we don't take care of kids. It's not right to me that the economic situation of the parents should in any way determine the child's access to good health care. You can't fucking choose your family. It bothers me that so many of my students are completely inured to their violent existence. Kids can't go and have fun at a party without worrying about violence. Columbine shit happening. My school getting robbed and being all run down. Then everyone fucking scratching their heads as to what's going on with the kids. The kids are fine. It's the adults that are letting them down.

Working at my school makes me reflect and compare my own high school experience. I never had to dealt with gang violence. When school was done I got to go to martial arts classes or something. If I was just hanging out with my friends, we'd end up doing something stupid cause it sounded like a good idea. But nothing ever really seriously crazy.

Being around my students has taught me a lot about gangs and the gang mentality. I see the allure of joining gangs. In a dangerous and violent environment, it's importantly to know that there are people that got your back in case shit goes down. I got this one student whose mom arranged for him to get jumped into the gang. Mom is a gang member. Kid didn't know he was getting jumped in and he can't get out. He feels trapped in his life and so he drinks until he blacks out. The part he blacks out on is when he's doing his stupidest shit. He's a great fucking kid. Smart but can't get out of the vida loca.

Shout out to my young right wing conservative

I had the honor of having my blog visited by a young right wing conservative that calls herself conservativekat. She's fourteen years old and quite the writer. Check her out.

My goal... to turn her away from the dark side of the force and to have her embrace the true message of Christ (the left wing ultra liberal one where he takes care of the indigent). I'd like for her to use her powers for good and not for empire. But, I can't hate on her because when I was her age I said all kinds of outrageous stuff. So hopefully she'll grow out of it too.

I'm going to need a catchy name for this operation. You know like the Bush administration had OIL: Operation Iraqi Liberation. I need something catchy just like that. Operation Prodigal Daughter Returns? Operation Conservative Reform? Operation Matrix Deprogramming? I'll come up with something....

Steven Colbert has big brass balls

Steven Colbert has got some major balls. He roasts the president at the White House Correspondents' dinner with Bush a only a few feet away from him. It's fucking brilliant and you have to see it If you haven't seen it... you must!

May 1st

So I walked today in the May 1st protest marches. It was really cool to see everyone out there supporting. I made up a sign that said, "I'M CHINESE, BIG WALLS DON'T WORK!!!" Lots of people liked the sign and took a bunch of pictures of me. Then I got interviewed by David Louie for the local channel 7 news broadcast. It was fucking great! My precious seconds of fame. Then when I was at the gym I saw myself on tv. I must get a video copy of my brief interview and my sign, then I'll post it up...well I found a part of the interview in text, but I can't seem to pull up the video. Damn them!!!

DO NOT WORRY!

This is a picture taken on a river in Brazil. The rainforest is fine. No one worry. This is actually quite sad because this is just a big spontaneous mass fish suicide. It's a little known fact that rainforest fish suffer from bouts of depression. They are sad fish. What can you do?

Political thoughts

I can't wait till 2008 because this has to be the most corrupt administration since Ulysses S. Grant. Cronyism is alive and well. I'll say this for Bush...he has got his friends' back. If you're in tight with George he will back you up. Ain't shit going to happen to Kenneth Lay. A fucking presidential pardon wouldn't surprise me at all. I can fucking respect that to some degree. I think it's that honor among thieves idea.

Bush has also done an incredible job uniting the world. Yes, much of that world is uniting against us, but it is uniting. I think South America is where the most interesting action is happening in the world. All these left wing leaders coming into power is really exciting. I think the most exciting was Evo Morales. I mean that man's face is straight indigenous. I think it's great that he's also a part of coca leaf federation.

Then there is Hugo Chavez who is causing the US fits. He has invigorated the majority of poor Venezuelans. Politics will never be the same there. The people know that they have power. The oil and huge US demand gives more money and power to Chavez who can them implement policies that work against US imperialism in South America. Operation Miracle is a brilliant PR move for Chavez and Castro. I really don't like the fact that he's setting himself up to be in the post for a long ass time. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to pull a Fidel and become a lifer.

I woke up this morning and all I could think was "Do I really have to go to school???" I had kids falling asleep in class and just tired. Shit I was tired. I was used to staying up late and just chilling in the morning. The end of this week will be the halfway point for the quarter. Meaning I'm halfway to being done for the year. Sweet Jesus thank you!!!

I'm fucked cause I still have to make up some work in some credentialling classes and I'm totally burned out with the shit. I don't want to do anything. Most of it is just mindless busy work to me. This is real bad too cause I'm pretty much at the end. I have to dig deep and make myself do shit cause the semester is coming to an end. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I'm like one of my students.

I made students write that they were to bring their final project work on Friday or they would get a four. They wrote it with their own hands. So 3 things could essentially happen. They will come with their work, they will ditch class, or they will just come with nothing. I'm interested in seeing the proportion.

So every quarter it's about which class is going to be the lagger class. I have to recognize that and not get so pissed by them. This quarter it's my 2nd period. What a fucking lame social dynamics that class has. It's fucking painfully awkward sometimes. And it's not so much individual kids... it's about the perfect combination to maximize stupidity. Kind of a whole is greater than the sum of its parts stupidity.

I have these one group of girls that I've nicknamed the Voltron of Stupidity. Each by themselves ain't bad. But when they get together and their powers combine. Watch out! What cracks me up is that the nickname has stuck with other staff members. Now they refer to them as that. This is a group of mean-spirited, fat, and ugly girls. I hate to be mean and shit, but that' s exactly what they are. They fuck with each other and get the others to take turns hating a person. It fucked up, catty shit.

Taking a break

The first philosophy that I ever got into was Daoism. I think that was because my dad was always talking about Confucianism. Anyways, what I always liked about Daoism was that it sought balance and harmony in one's life and relation to the universe. But I've never been balanced and perhaps that is why I liked it so much. I'm obsessive-compulsive man. I've been so caught up with work that I've been neglecting myself. It's pretty unhealthy. It's very easy to get too wrapped up in teaching. There is always something else you can do. So I've got to learn to put limits on myself. At least I'm not working 16 hour days anymore.

So to take care of myself I've got a workout plan at the gym I'm at. I'm going to learn to rockclimb (It's nonviolent and non competitive). I went to my master massage therapist. Lady has skills and is strong. I went to the dermatologist (cause my skin freaks out under stress). I went to the therapist (cause I want to deal with my shit and not be unhappy anymore). Next week I'm going to the allergist.

2 years ago I was in a major depression. Shit put my life in a standstill. I couldn't manage or deal. It was real bad. As I've come out of it, I realize that I don't ever want to go through that shit again. So now I'm trying to put things place in so I won't go through that shit again. I've also learned that I've got the low grade depression shit going on. So I've got to manage that to make sure it doesn't get to be the major one.

Life is funny. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I love my job. I love my wife and our marriage. Many things are really good. But yet this low grade depression still brings me down. It's like always having a weighted down burka on. I want the unfettered happiness that I deserve.

Mi primero quinceanera

So on Saturday I went to my first quinceanera. A student in one of my classes invited me. It was exciting cause I'd never been to one before and it also gave me the opportunity to interact with my students in a different situation. That sounded clinical. I just wanted to go and hang out and have some fun. It was cool I hung out with a bunch of the fathers and drank some tequila. Then my coworker Joseph came and we hung out. It was a modest affair but still obviously cost a good chunk of change. I felt bad for one of my CTM girls cause she said she wasn't having one cause it was too expensive. She was making all these arguments about it not being practical, but I could tell that she was bummed. But the party was held in the back parking lot of the apartment complex they lived at. Blue tarps were put over areas to create cover. Food was served in a shed. But more importantly there was love and family all around. The thought of being at a family event chills me to the bone. It wouldn't be a happy fun occasion with people hanging out and drinking. It would be tense or uncomfortable. Whenever I hang out with more normal families it's nice.

The cake was this big 3 tiered cake with a fountain under it. Connected to it by plastic stairs were two smaller 2 tiered cakes. Shit was way nicer than my wedding cake...but not as tasty. But there was a time also when she danced with all these different men and people called for me to dance with her too. Man I was bad. Even with the slow beat everyone looking at me just made me really self conscious and awkward. It was like when I was in junior high. LOL!

Marching

So my coworker Jeff and I took a bunch of our students on the protest march that has been happening. But you know what. The truth is that I'm tired of all these illegal Canadians. Motherfuckers coming and taking jobs from hard working Americans. Fucking Canucks are all up in Hollywood and the music industry. Those jobs belong to Americans Goddammit! Jim Carrey... Canadian. Keanu Reeves... Canadian. Pamela Anderson... Canadian. The list goes on. Sometimes they can blend in cause they look a lot like white Americans. But they have infiltrated our pristine American soil and I'm angry. You have to listen carefully to their accent. They will slip in an "eh" or "hoser". I propose that the Minutemen patrol the Canadian border to stop the influx of these illegal Canadians. I'm disgusted by those people with their ways. They need to go back to where they came from!!!

Worse than grading and scheduling???

I hate grading. It's fucking lame. I recently came upon the realization though that I hate scheduling even more. However, now I know something that I hate even more than grading and scheduling. It's updating student folders. Figuring out their credits and GPA. The shit drives me fucking crazy. Luckily I found a gpa calculator that will also do cumulative gpa. God bless the internet because doing that shit by hand was driving me crazy. Plus if I don't add that shit up right then I can fuck up a student's chances for graduating and all that. No fucking pressure there.

I realized though part of why I hate it so much. It shouldn't be my fucking job. I shouldn't be doing folders and I shouldn't be doing scheduling. I knew what I was signing up for, but oftentimes I feel like it's too much. This shit isn't in the teacher description. This is the job of a counselor. SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! I'm a CTM. Counselor, teacher and mentor. FUCK! I have this strange desire to hate the letter C now. But I can't cause it's for cookie.