Young Men's Restorative Justice Circle

On Thursday, I did my first circle focusing in on one student. This circle was done the way that circles are supposed to be done. It was composed only of guys and was for the one student (IF) that I had written about before. Since one of the problems with circles that we had been having was that we mandated it, this circle was totally voluntary. I asked IF, his brother OG, and his friend SBP if he would participate in a circle and they all said yes though SBP had to drop out the day of because he wasn't feeling well. For the adults, I asked his JC, SDS from the afterschool program, and UL and MH from the afterschool tutoring program.

I started off talking about the purpose of the circle and reminding everyone that they have sat in circle before and to please respect the process. We opened with a rap from UL that set a positive tone and then we did the check-in. From the get go the vibe was really positive. That's the thing when circles are voluntary. People act right because they want to be there. From there we created a set of guidelines that we all wanted to follow. This all flowed very smoothly.

For my first question, I asked everyone why there were here for IF and what did they like about him. I recounted a story about watching him spit a piece and being impressed because he was the only one up there without notes and the poetry was about love and it was pretty deep. Then everyone told a story about him and when the talking piece got to him I had him say something that he liked about himself. Starting off with all these nice things, we then moved to the issues that we were concerned about. But what was great was that this didn't come from a finger-wagging place, but a place of genuine concern and the difference was obvious. His CTM JC started first and everyone in the circle got to say their concerns. When the talking piece got to him he told of some of his recent problems, but it was done very inarticulately and disjointed. A far cry from his spoken word pieces. It was really important to have his brother OG there, because he was able to express his concern for his brother which seemed that he had never directly done before. Guys aren't so great with the communication so that's understandable. OG was also able to tell his brother's business coming from a place of concern and not it be a snitching thing.

After we talked about the issues, we talked about the impact and how IF's recent behavior has affected everyone. This was also a place where we were able to express our concern for him but also let him know the effects that it has had on us. This was powerful, because one of the things with teenage boys and this kid in particular is that they have a hard time seeing how their actions affect others. They are so intently focused on themselves that there is a tunnel vision. It's almost a solipsistic thing.

From there we moved to taking responsibility. Everyone talked about what they felt their responsibilities were to IF and what they would do for him. This was an interesting things to do, because I've never really sat in a circle where we talked about the responsibility component. Reflecting, I see that this really adds to the community and inclusion part of the circle. That everyone takes responsibility for IF and for him to hear that was important. It allows us to build that web of relationships. It helps to break that teenage egocentrism.

Next I asked about what were the needs of the people in the circle. This was interesting, because then it made IF think about what he needed to do for the people around him. Once again, I don't think that he ever thought about this. He's had everyone controlling his life and telling him what to do. In some ways, he's been living in a reactionary mode, as most teenagers do. To hear what people needed from him in a non-forceful punishing way was a departure from most of his adult interactions. I think one of the things that makes restorative justice work is that it is totally different from most people's typical experiences. Plus the restorative version of justice immediately strikes a chord in people's lives that are used to the punitive version. The values of restorative justice are the values that we create in the circle.

After talking about the needs, we moved to solutions. I asked what was he going to specifically do to better this situation. He talked about the things that he needed to do (e.g. talk to people, not hold things in, work harder, get his hours off). What was incredibly amazing and powerful about this was that he had found his voice. He was talking in complete sentences and it made sense. He was no longer mumbling one word answers bouncing from thought to thought. It was also great to hear him say what he wanted to do to make things better instead of him just saying the "right" shit because he wanted to get people off his back. He words rang truer and hopefully they will be. Next we asked if this would be enough for the people in the circle. We all agreed that if IF did what he said he wanted to do that that would be enough.

Finally, I asked if anything was missing or there were any last words. And for the closing, I asked everyone to share how they were feeling at the end of the circle. That was the way that circles are supposed to be run and organized. It was a vastly different experience and all the participants agreed.

The next day I talked to the adult participants and they were all really happy to be a part of the circle and want to do more. JC texted me and said now that he's been through it, he understands the process better. This has got me juiced to do more circles and I've got others that want to participate.

The Rebirth of Circle

Since my last post, we've had two staff circles. One on Friday the 22nd and one on the 25th. Since then, I've learned to not schedule circles on Fridays. People are just done with the week and want to get out. Sitting mindfully in circles requires discipline and dedication. The meeting on the Friday was good because there were returning faces, (LS, CFG, and me) and then there were two different people (BS and SDS). NL and JC just had to cut out. I understood. SDS has never sat in a circle before and so it was good to bring him in and have him get acquainted with the process. The circle was really positive and we seemed to make a commitment to have more circles among the staff and also that we needed to have a rebirth of circles. We needed to make the process more organic and less forced....we needed to get staff into circles.

I can tell my Native American coworker, BY, is totally checked out of circles. An interesting problem has occurred. Backstory: BY was saying that the Native kids at our school were offended by the circles and that they didn't want to do them. Circles were sacred to their religion and students' misbehavior and disrespect within the circles were disrespectful to them. BY was obviously also not into them at all. He and some students spoke with other leaders in the local Native community and they came by the school to sit in the circle. CFG is new to the school and was running the circle and found that everyone just shut down. She felt like she got backdoored and the circle police was brought in on her. Then after a staff meeting some of us were sitting around and discussing the state of circles and we decided to scrap the Thursday circles that we had been doing with the kids. The problem was that CFG wasn't there and no one told her about it until Thursday. She had planned to do things with the students and felt backdoored again.

Anyways, after all this had happened is when we started to do staff circles again. I should note that CFG is our new restorative justice site coordinator, so it was kind of fucked up the situations that she has been placed in.

The circle that we had this last Monday was larger and so that was positive. I was able to bring in the 2 tutors and their site coordinator from the afterschool program and AV showed up. This one was again attended by LS, BS, SDS, CFG, NL, JC, and I. The more people that we can get involved in the circles program the better. I want to bring one of the Black male tutors, UL, into the community and culture of the school and he seems open to it. He has developed a rapport with a number of the Black kids and they need a positive role model like he is. He is also interested in sitting in circle with JC and me when we have one with the young black kid, IF, I spoke of before.

So now circles are going to be more organic. My goal is to get the teachers to start leading them. I had left the Monday circle early to go to another meeting and asked AV what he had thought of the remainder of the circle. He said he started getting antsy around when I left and I gathered from what he was saying that he thinks CFG talks too much. CFG does have a tendency to speak at length, so I told AV that he should lead the next circle. He said he didn't want to step on any toes and I said I would talk to CFG. She was down for it so AV is going to lead the next one. That AV is willingly going to step up and lead a circle is great news. He can be real pessimistic and cynical sometimes so to have him wanting to lead a circle is good news. It's funny, we got trained in circles about a year ago but it took us until now for the staff to actually start having staff circles. I think that right there was the essence of why it didn't work. Part of what makes circles effective is that it gives self empowerment to the participants. We as a staff gave our power away to "site coordinators" and left things in their hands. Not that the site coordinators weren't or aren't good people. It just that we had to take responsibility for our community and not just expect some outside power to fix things for us. It doesn't work that way where I work. We have to make things happen ourselves. The site coordinators must help us find our own power.

Growing pains

We've been having some problems with our restorative justice program. The circles have become a chore and students are not liking them. I think perhaps that we have been too ambition with the process and that it hasn't been an organic growth. We have foisted restorative justice circles upon students and told them to go be restorative while we ourselves have not embraced the process as a staff. We are telling students to go and do something that we ourselves do not do. Of course it won't work if that's the case. We had a circle among a few staff today after school and that was the first time that I have sat in circle with the staff pretty much since we got our training. I think there was one time that we tried to do that in the staff meeting but that was it. It was refreshing to be in a circle with people that wanted to be there. I think that we need to change ourselves before we can ask students to change. We need to be the leaders that we want them to be. We have to model the behavior that we would like to see from them. I think that a problem with many of the students is that they either have few models of good behavior or a many models of bad behavior. We would like for them to sit calmly, but they are not used to calm.

It was really important for the participating staff to have a forum where they could vent their feelings and concerns and feel heard. We get so busy and caught up in our work that we don't take the time to check in and see how the others are doing. We don't get time to just be with ourselves sometimes. There was a lot of crazy shit that went down yesterday and I found myself scrambling to deal with that and then I worked myself up into a lather.

I would like to see circles no longer be a forced dynamic and instead that we as teachers sit in circles together, but also to just take small groups of kids and work with them in a circle together. The circles were meant to be something that was voluntary and by making them nonvoluntary they lose the essence of what they bring to the table.

We have this one young Black kid that I think in particular would benefit from circles. He just recently had a staff meeting, hasn't been following through with what he said that he was going to do, brought out a knife in the school and started carving up the table, and doesn't seem to get the ramifications of what he has done. His dad isn't a part of his life as much as he should be and the kid gets high way too much. Throw a possible learning disability on top of that and it's a recipe for disaster. To be able to pull this kid aside and talk together with him I think would be the perfect way of implementing circles. It would be smaller and more intimate to just have him and a few of the teachers and his friends to run the circle. That is the space that I think that we could get some good work done.

Setting up a revocable living trust

So having a kid is a big deal. There are all these things that you have to do to take care of them. One of those things is setting up a revocable living trust. I first heard about a revocable living trust from my lesbian financial guru, Suze Orman, so I decided to read more up on it. One of the main reasons that people get trusts is to avoid probate fees when you die. Probate attorneys and judges take 4% of your 1st $100,000, 3% of your 2nd $100,000, and 2% of every $100,000 thereafter just to execute your will. Fuck that. A trust essentially bypasses probate. Probate courts can take from 6 months to 3 years to execute your will, while a trust can be executed as soon as you have the death certificate.

Another good thing with a trust is that they are much harder to contest than a will. I have two half brothers that I have no contact or relationship with and they could contest a will that I made because they are related to me. Wills are public information while trusts are done privately and confidentially. That way there won't be will-chasers sending "information" to Lil B on what to do with the money.

Trusts also allow AL and I to set terms for Lil B to receive his inheritance should anything happen to us. We have it so that he can't receive any money till age 30, has a college degree or some trade school equivalent, and has a stable job more or less depending on the economy. This is an interesting part about a trust and something you can have in place if you know how your child is with money. We also have the exploding turkey scenario about what to do with our estate if an exploding turkey kills AL, Lil B and me. AL is going to give her half to her family while I am going to give my half to Kiva.

Also included in the trust is the advance health care directive that states what we want to have happen if either of us or both should become incapacitated. And finally we have three deep lineup of who would care for Lil B if anything should happen to AL and me. So we have it so that AL's mom is first, her brother is second, and her cousins in Hawaii are third. Why no one from my family...cause they are crazy and bad at handling money.

There's a reason rich people get trusts and I highly recommend it to anyone that has kids. My attorney cost us $1525 to do the whole thing and $100 for amendments. I checked around with other estate planning attorneys and that is a very competitive price.